For those who are looking to enter the wonderful world of kink it can be a frightening prospect. There is a vulnerability to putting yourself out there whether it's a casual munch or a play party. What are the rules? What are the unspoken expectations and social dynamics? Of all the material on kink and fetish out there on the internet, what is an accurate reflection and what is more fantasy fuelled porn? How much of the social constructs of our cis, het, white society are reflected in the kink community and its social dynamics?
It's difficult to navigate but in the 14 years I've been involved in my local kink community, the biggest hurdle for people, both new and old, seems to be the correlation between gender norms and dynamics. In our western society, built upon white, patriarchal, christian colonialism; the expectation is that men will be dominant and women submissive. And for some, this is the case. This unspoken ideal of patriarchy is permeated through the majority of porn that is often created for the male gaze, and does not have to be everyone’s truth. Yes it's an ideal upheld in movies, TV shows, books, social media and everyday life, thanks to the centering of the cis, white, heteronormative perspective. But I know plenty of submissive men and powerfully dominant women.
In our western society, built upon white, patriarchal, christian colonialism; the expectation is that men will be dominant and women submissive.
This idea of men = dominant and women = submissive not only ignores the very real and large number of people who identify in the reverse but also ignores switches, queer folks and the gender fluid and diverse communities. It's common to find people who under specific circumstances are submissive or enjoy bottoming for certain people or activities and the same can be true for dominant and tops. Some people switch between the roles depending on where their energy is that day. The dynamic you engage in is a very personal choice and should be based on your personal journey and experience in kink - not on what society tells us is ‘normal’.
This same concept is harmful in so many ways. Which is not to say that those who do identify with these roles are harmful, not at all! For those cis men who do identify as dominant, that is a very powerful understanding of oneself - as is every orientation. The very act of learning about ourselves and finding joy and a sense of rightness in the kink we practise, is an inherently powerful experience.
Regardless of gender or sexuality - it takes knowing and understanding oneself to be comfortable in our orientations, no matter if that's dominant, submissive, switchy, a handler or pet, master or slave, daddy or mommy, babygirl/boy/they, or any other kink orientation that we might fall in love with.
The dynamic you engage in is a very personal choice and should be based on your personal journey and experience in kink - not on what society tells us is ‘normal’.
So when newbies enter the kink scene ready to explore, it’s often seen that they fall into these predetermined, supposedly harmful roles. Harmful how? Well it’s not as if a femme being submissive is inherently harmful nor a masc being dominant - as we have already stated. But it is harmful to limit yourself or others to a dynamic that might not actually be for you, due to said same preconceived notions. For example, let's say you're a cis man, maybe you’ve always identified with heterosexuality and you feel you must be dominant. But maybe there is a sense of love and joy in being a caregiver, in serving those you connect with that you feel is denied you when you are in a dominant role. Maybe it would feel better to connect through service or submission, through being a service top or in a daddy/mommy type role. Maybe it is only through experience as a service bottom that you’re emotionally and energetically recharged, ready to be a good and healthy, dominant to your submissive. Maybe you find that while not sexually active with another man, being a pet to a male handler or leather Dom gives you a sense of freedom and relaxation that makes for better communication with your lovers. Maybe you're a woman, who feels uncomfortable in her skin and objectified being submissive, until you're given the chance to be the powerful goddess to a kneeling femboi. Maybe you find joy in caring for a sweet baby girl. Maybe you find your power in switching roles with your partner so you connect at a deeper level of trust and intimacy. Maybe you've realised that your sense of masculinity and femininity is in a state of flux - fluid based upon the people you connect with and the trust and intimacy afforded to you within those connections. Maybe you then use that sense of fluidity to become more confident in your body and your presentation. You might never know these things about yourself, when forcing yourself to fit a role dictated to you by a society that we have outgrown.
There is so much freedom in being given the opportunity to try things, to explore ourselves through kink. The amount of people I have seen bloom and blossom into confident, joyful, emotionally secure humans when given that chance. People who have questioned their sexuality and gender and came out the other side happier for knowing themselves in a deeper way. I've seen people confident in the knowledge that they are indeed cishet and are better allies to the queer community for that understanding of themselves. I've seen people glowing with joy, realising that they might actually be bi, gay, queer or trans, and for getting to connect with queer kinksters who unapologetically celebrate their new found queerness.
There is so much freedom in being given the opportunity to try things, to explore ourselves through kink.
Indeed, so much about the kink experience is inherently queer - even the idea of identifying as a daddy regardless of gender – I myself am a femme presenting nonbinary masc trans person, and use Daddy as a term with some of my submissives. I found a lot of connection with other black dyke lesbians using Daddy as Dominants. Similarly I know of masc presenting people who use the term mommy dom as it fits their dominant orientation better. Our kink dynamics do not and should not be inherently tied to our gender identity. They should reflect that sense of understanding of ourselves, the joy of exploring our kink journey, and how we wish to present, practise and enjoy kink practises.
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We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨
