You know the trope, you’ve seen her in movies. She’s a hot mess who ends up either neglecting her child or seeing clients in front of the kid, or maybe the kid is shoved into another room while mom fucks a shady dude for grocery and drug money.
Because as a patriarchal society, we love love love coming after moms.
I’ve heard it so many times, people turning a man’s harmful actions back on his mom. “Didn’t your mom teach you anything?”
Tropes in movies and other media are influential. They both reflect and further influence mainstream public narratives.
As a patriarchal society, we love love love coming after moms.
Not to say that neglectful, abusive, desperate moms with substance use issues, who are also sex workers don’t exist, of course they do. Rather, my point is that sub-par parents exist across the labor sector. The assumed correlation between sex work and being a bad parent is more a reflection of deep seated puritanical judgement aimed at whores, than it is a reflection of reality.
The stereotype I’ve seen in real life is whore-moms who outside of work lead pretty normal lives with their kids. Whore-moms who have the advantage of a set of transferable skills, as the care taking required for motherhood is useful in caring for clients. Encouraging clients to use their words, teaching them about consent, holding boundaries, creating a calm space, coaxing them out of their shells, meeting them wherever they are at. These are some of the skills and ways of being, sex worker moms have honed through parenting. Yet I don’t see this illustrated in media.
Parents make amazing sex workers. We have a vested interest in not working a forty hour per week job, because we are responsible for the endless unpaid labor of parenting. We are constantly practicing compassion. We are immersed in the sometimes messy process of watching a person we are in a deep relationship with grow, change and develop, as we are also learning, growing and developing with them. Parenting is triggering. Children have a way of bringing up all our unhealed stuff. They bring out our own unheard inner child. I’ve found this to also sometimes be true of the sex work that I do. For me, being an effective parent and being effective at my job both require integration.
All parts of my emotional, spiritual, physical self that late stage capitalism has encouraged me to compartmentalize, must be able to exist and breathe in the same place in order for me to be really present for another. And presence is what pays my bills. Presence is also what strengthens the bond, builds trust and allows me to honor and know my son as he grows and changes every day.
Being an effective parent and being effective at my job both require integration.
Specifically, as a single parent, not only am I practiced in time-management, for me and my child, I also have less support than some partnered parents. There’s no way I could work a forty hour week and still have quality time with my kid. Or take care of my domestic responsibilities, do the community organizing I love to do, engage with my other creative projects, and sleep. Let alone try to find time for self care. If not for sex work, I would be beyond burnt out.
There is also the tighter unit of a single parent household, it's just me and my kid. The practice of seeing another and navigating needs in a one-on-one relationship translates well to the intimate one-on-one sessions I do with clients. I was a sex worker before I was a mother. And reflecting on this now I’m realizing that sex work taught me patience and compassion in the face of adult male temper tantrums and attempts to push boundaries. I learned how to stay poised, grounded, loving and in my power while saying no or setting a boundary that a client does not want to hear. Now that I am both, I think I learn and grow in both roles in ways that benefit my ability to show up for each.
There are several principals that serve me well as a parent and an independent sex worker, I’ll share five here:
Holding boundaries
These can shift and change with time and even be permeable, but both roles have given me so much practice in expressing my boundaries in a way that is rooted in love and respect for myself and others, rather than resentment.
Saying no
Knowing that no is a complete sentence. Learning to be as comfortable and expansive in my no’s as I am in my yes’s, because every no creates more space for what we want.
Schedule and time management
Being somewhat organized, creating systems that work for me, and my clients, as well as my child is really important. On the small scale of time management in a session to the bigger picture of managing my time for the week. These are skills I also apply to creating healthy routines for my child, and meeting my domestic responsibilities.
Being present and meeting people where they are at
Everyday is different. Our best will be different from day to day and I’ve learned to try not take other’s reactions to my parenting and my sex work, personally.
Teaching by modeling behavior
In both arenas of my life, it behooves me to model healthy and direct communication. So many of us received subpar sex education, so in the intimate realm of client sessions, I aim to hold a safe container where people can express and explore desires and physical pleasure without shame or judgment. Similarly, as a mom I try to hold space for my kid to express any feelings that come up and l model general consent by accepting his no’s and modeling how to say no without anger or judgment.
There is so much more to say about this but for now I’ll end by saying that oftentimes two roles which our culture or society tells us are contradictory, are very much the opposite; deeply compatible. Of course, as a sex worker who creates safe spaces for clients to transform shame into acceptance and pleasure, I have the capacity to be a loving parent. And of course, because we live in a misogynistic culture that insists on viewing all sex work as depraved, forced and shameful, while also placing impossible pressure on mothers to be pure and perfect, the go-to tropes in movies would be denigrative of both roles. Showing us stories without the range of actual situations sex-working moms are living.
Oftentimes two roles which our culture or society tells us are contradictory, are very much the opposite; deeply compatible.
Please resist the low-hanging fruit, the same old, trite, overdone narrative; one narrow experience of two intersecting marginalized identities, the sex worker and the mom. Expand your horizons, speak to more folks with lived experience before putting the same, tired, regurgitated script out into the world. Try to balance your media consumption with reality - learn about the lived experience of sex working moms from actual sex working moms! Rather than some far removed script-writers looking to cash in on trauma-porn.
Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!
We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨
