It's not uncommon for people to have a lot of misguided, misinformed, preconceived notions about sex workers. For example, that sex workers are always willing and ready to have sex, that we never say no, or that we are always super wild in bed — because if we're whores as a profession, we must always be super sexual, right?
As hard as it already is forming relationships as a sex worker, there are also a lot of expectations on us that come from that same stigma. People think that as a sex worker I should always be horny, and as a Dom/me I should always be in my role. Until recently I didn't realise how much I've internalized these rigid preconceptions people have, and only after speaking to a BDSM informed sexologist, have I started to think that holding myself to those standards all the time is harming my mental health. Sex workers are so dehumanized that sometimes it's hard to not dehumanize ourselves. At the end of the day we are complex human beings, and even if we work with sex, it doesn't mean that it's the most essential part of us. Not even sex work itself is only about sex, and sex is just a part of sexuality – which for me is something that I'm endlessly discovering and that keeps mutating. I often ask myself what kinds of attractions do I experience, how does this express itself and what do I feel about it?
A whore on the Ace spectrum sounds a little weird because of this narrow belief that whores are sex addicts, and that everyone on the asexual spectrum is sex repulsed, but I've met a lot of whores on different parts of the asexual spectrum. The rules of cisheteronormativity push us to act in certain ways: “don't be too provocative or too prudish”, “have sex but not too much” and there's nothing more disgusting, by these metrics, than a whore. These norms discourage us from exploring ourselves, what we like, which boundaries we have, what types of attractions we feel and when? The latter is a question I've been asking myself for a long time. I know I experience desire, but does it always match my attraction? Understanding our own sexuality, desires and attraction can be very difficult, because dominant culture says there's only one type and that you can't be on the asexual spectrum if you have sex, or like BDSM, but that's not true. Libido doesn't equal attraction, nor does being asexual equal always being sex repulsed. We aren't taught that there are other types of attraction: platonic, aesthetic, romantic, and even sensual, which are all different from the purely sexual.
Even if we work with sex, it doesn't mean that it's the most essential part of us.
I feel a lot of mental satisfaction from being sadistic; praising, humiliating, or punishing subs and for me these things aren't inherently sexual. They are pleasurable, fun and satisfying. For me BDSM is deeply sensorial and psychological. You can do many things that aren't directly sexual, or do a lot of sexual things without feeling sexual attraction. There's infinite combinations of desires, pleasure, and attraction. For the longest time I thought I was demisexual and there's some truth to that, but I realised that mostly I just feel desire, and an aesthetic attraction – not necessarily a sexual one, For me this means enjoying sex and BDSM, just internally experiencing it in a different way than maybe what allosexual people feel. Because of this I thought it wasn't worth even thinking about. What difference does it make if it’s not something that externally affects my practices? But giving yourself answers and being curious about the most intricate perks of your inner world can be very validating.
Beyond my job and the stigma I've faced from bigoted people, sex work and BDSM have been great tools to discovering and experiencing lots of things that I probably wouldn't have in any other context. The diversity of people and practices you can interact with is very vast. It teaches you a lot about yourself and about others, it has pushed me to question myself, my sexuality and even how I experience my gender. It opens me to trying on new practices, analyzing what I feel in a session, and helps me to be able to dress femme/do drag for my Mistress role without dysphoria. Seeking answers to these questions helps me to play with all the psychological and sensory parts of BDSM, being soft and being feral, and has given me a lot of insight. Even if I have to face judgement and discrimination to be able to experience these things, I'll always choose to be true to myself rather than conforming to society's norms.
Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!
We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨
