As sex workers, lots of us are familiar with discrimination. In healthcare, in jobs, on the internet and much more, but what happens when this discrimination comes from our close ones? From family, friends or partners? I am no stranger to this, and I know it hits you where it hurts the most. It's common for people to have strong, negative opinions on sex work, even people who are important to us. It's not something nice to go through and it shouldn't be that way because we are deserving of respect, and even admiration!
I've experienced a lot of discrimination in close relationships because of the bias people have around this job. I've been called slurs by abusive past-partners and been told that I've sold my integrity and empathy. I've been told that I shouldn't do sex work because they ‘don't wanna catch anything’ from me, which I think stigmatizes not only sex workers, but individuals with chronic STIs. It hurts a lot coming from people that you care about, especially when sex workers have been shown to have higher rates of STI testing than most civilians – after all, it's part of our job to keep ourselves and our clients safer.
What happens when this discrimination comes from our close ones?
Being with a sex worker is a privilege, not a sacrifice, or at least it shouldn't be. Recently I had a problem because a vídeo of mine with someone who isn't an active sex worker was stolen and they were blackmailed. I felt terrible, guilty, and like being close to me could be a curse to people. But that isn't true. It's not our fault that there are people out there who want to see us doing badly, and are even working on our downfall. We don't deserve that treatment, or to feel such guilt by association. We are just doing our job.
Many sex workers have a hard time dating, because it's not that easy to find people who understand what we do, why we do it, as well as the value and background this work has. When I tell new people that I'm a dominatrix, they have a thousand questions and many of them are inappropriate or respectless, which I can't stand. I have to filter a lot of people before meeting up with someone. Many of them tell me, “I envy you”, “I would love to hit men for money”, “it's easy money”, not knowing all the financial, emotional, and physical struggles that can come with sex work.
Telling your family that you're a sex worker can be very hard, as not all of us have the best relationship with them. Surprisingly my parents took it pretty well – better than when I told them I'm non-monogamous. Obviously they had a lot of questions and concerns, but I am proud of what I do, which helps a lot when telling people, you transmit that confidence and it helps to circumvent some of the judgment– or if you are judged, to be more protected against it.
Many sex workers have a hard time dating, because it's not that easy to find people who understand what we do...
When someone tells me they want to start in sex work – virtual or in person – I always tell them that they have to be prepared for everyone to know, because it's not uncommon for it to come out. I don't think it's really fair that you have to deal with the consequences of this, but in reality it's a risk, so I think it's important to know it and to be prepared for the judgment you may receive from society and your close ones. Sex work is a marginalized job and it comes with a lot of good and bad things.
To newer sex workers that are starting to face the hard discrimination that comes with this job I would say: I see your struggle and you should know that there's pride in doing what we do. Not many people have the bravery it takes to live this life that comes with so many ups and downs. Hold tight to the good parts of it, and try to keep your head high with the bad ones, though there's no shame in feeling demoralized sometimes. I know it's hard and it's even harder when those bad things come from people you love. Sometimes it's a good approach to explain your context and why you choose this job, sometimes it's better to be silent about it, sometimes it’s best to cut ties, and I'm sure there are many other options on how to face this issue. No-one can tell you which is the best one for you.
I see your struggle and you should know that there's pride in doing what we do.
In my personal experience, I try to choose my battles. I went to tell my mom about it, with all the pride I have to be a sex worker and Dominatrix, and she understood. When meeting new people, I just filter my story if I feel like they're being shady or morbid about it. This sometimes isolates me, but it's the price I pay to not let people judge me. The only people whose opinion matters are me and my clients. No one else has the power to make me feel any certain way about it because I've developed a thick skin working in this industry – which is very useful if you're a sex worker. The only times I let people tell me their opinions are when they come from a place of respect and admiration.
I admire a lot of my peer sex workers, I think we do a really important and difficult job and we deserve praise for it. We are important and also skilled – even when society tells us otherwise.
Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!
We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨
