‘Outsiders often think that selling sex must be a pretty horrible job, and many sex workers would agree. However, these sex workers may locate the problem not in sex but in work.’ - Molly Smith and Juno Mac in "Revolting Prostitutes".
I remember the first person I confessed being a sex worker to. It was a few years ago, I had just started webcamming through an agency I had found online. I didn’t know anyone in the industry — or rather I didn’t think I knew anyone in the industry — and was therefore quite isolated. This whole world was new to me so naturally, I turned to one of my closest friends who admittedly wasn’t a sex worker but she was an unapologetic queer feminist and academic. I thought, ‘surely she won’t judge me.’
Although she didn’t quite understand and I was met with, ‘I personally don’t think I could do it though’, her overall reaction was not what most people would call a bad one, it was still quite surprising to me. She congratulated me and started talking about how empowering it must be and how great a way it is to reclaim my body.
I turned to one of my closest friends who admittedly wasn’t a sex worker but she was an unapologetic queer feminist and academic. I thought, ‘surely she won’t judge me.’
I was quite taken aback. Don’t get me wrong, I was feeling happy, especially because my rent this month was paid and because I didn’t have to ask that same friend to pay for my coffee. I didn’t find undressing and masturbating on camera particularly freeing. Rather than being happy at my financial and material needs that this new job was going to meet, my friend was focused on the so-called ‘empowering’ nature of it.
I had prepared for every reaction but this one and strangely enough, it still felt disconcerting. I didn’t know why at the time and was frustrated with not feeling relieved or happy about her reaction. My friend wasn’t rejecting me or insulting me. She wasn’t shocked, upset or disappointed. By telling her, I wasn’t taking much of a risk and she didn’t react badly per se. Quite the opposite actually, her reaction was positive. So why did it not feel like a victory?
I had prepared for every reaction but this one and strangely enough, it still felt disconcerting.
As I became more involved in sex workers rights movements and kept organising with other activist groups, I came to understand what had happened that day. I was 23 when I started sex work and had just finished studying. Although I had some work experience here and there, I didn’t know what a full-time job meant and had limited practical understanding of labour rights. Little did I know that I would later be very active in my union and write what I am writing now.
What had happened that day was that despite lacking the words for it, I wasn’t excited about work. I hadn’t politicised it yet but I already felt that having to exchange my labour for money in order to meet my basic needs wasn't something to be excited about. I was already dreaming of a society where labour would be valued, shared, and serve communal needs rather than individualistic ones. While my friend saw sex work as ‘emancipatory’, a ‘fuck you in the face of patriarchy’, I knew that what led me there was financial instability, not sex positivity idealism. I merely saw it as a job. An imperfect yet practical job, that I don’t always love but sometimes enjoy and that fits my schedule, commitments and most importantly, financial needs.
I hadn’t politicised it yet but I already felt that having to exchange my labour for money in order to meet my basic needs wasn't something to be excited about.
Like many of us, I have never had the luxury to not work in my adult life. Sex work is what I chose to do for a living, because out of all the jobs accessible to me, it was one that worked for me – but I work out of necessity, not desire. What I was conceptualising back then and now have the words for is that work, in a capitalist society, is not liberation.
What is liberating, however, is organising and unionising with my colleagues. It’s winning a legal battle for one sex worker that sets a precedent, thereby bringing us all one step closer towards destigmatisation and decriminalisation.
What I find empowering is that, despite the isolating nature of our jobs, we stand united and fierce when one of us is violated. We are loud in our demand for more rights, ours and others’. We are vocal and supported by activists who see the intersections in our respective struggles, and we are at the forefront of many revolutions.
What brings me joy as a sex worker, is to see that, while our activities are considered immoral, dirty and our experiences are silenced, we invent new worlds every day. We shape new realities because being forced to exist on the margin and in secrecy means existing creatively.
Sex work is what I chose to do for a living, because out of all the jobs accessible to me, it was one that worked for me – but I work out of necessity, not desire.
We are everyone and everywhere. Our clients are your dads, your brothers, your lovers, your husbands – even your wives and sisters. We may even like them sometimes. Most people would have you believe that all the violence we experience comes from clients. It would be a lie to say that the people we are intimate with in our professional lives are always well-intentioned. It would also be a lie to claim that either wider society or the state protects us. All the violence we experience as sex workers is either created or enabled by it. The criminalisation of our activities exacerbates it but make no mistake, what is alienating is not sex work, it is work, full stop.
I’m sure my friend meant well during our conversation, and I have come out as a sex worker many times since then, to people who have reacted far worse than she has. I do wish that day had gone differently but ultimately, it is one of the things that lead me to be more active in the sex workers rights movement and as such, I embrace it. Since then, I have become a more experienced sex worker, have established clearer boundaries for myself, whether at work or in my personal life, especially when discussing sex work with non-sex workers. I have met amazing people thanks to this job and I have learned that the reality of it is far more complex and nuanced than it seems. I am now a proud sex worker campaigning for sex workers’ rights in all aspects of my life and I have also joined my local union.
Speaking of… have you joined yours?
Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!
We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨
