Editors note: this article contains mentions of death and workers who have passed.
It's not unknown that as sex workers we don't get sick leave. Maybe there are times when we have enough cash saved up to take some time off, but this doesn't always match when we most need it. This often leads us to work in not the best mental or physical conditions, even when carrying pain, grief or health issues, we try to put those things on the nightstand and keep working.
As a chronically ill person who experiences symptoms very often, I don't usually turn down jobs because of them. There's always a possibility that I'm in pain and fatigued when I schedule a booking and when the time comes I feel better, or the other way around. I just try to take precautions so I don't flare up when I'm in a session. I was asking myself what it would look like for me to take a sick day, and I think it depends on how my symptoms worsening could obstruct me from performing beyond the baseline of fatigue or pain. Maybe I would need most days off? But that's not realistic, not in my personal context nor in a capitalistic one.
Apart from physical issues that would require sick leave if we were anyone else, there's also mental health and just life happening. Recently two people I cared about died. I've been grieving them, obviously, and though I haven't done in person sessions since this happened I have done virtual ones. They’ve been mostly humiliation-foucused, something that I really enjoy! This has helped me distract myself from the grief, but at the same time guilt started creeping in. Thinking ‘what could I have done differently to help the people that passed away?’ I was calling subs useless, while asking myself if I was the useless one? Had I failed to do something to prevent these deaths? It felt like it. A part of me was laughing with the satisfaction of humiliating them, and the other was crying, being attacked by memories from before they died. I often get news of sex working colleagues and queer people dying around me, I don't always know them personally, but it still saddens and enrages me. I know, we know, their deaths are never random. They're always a result of discrimination of some sort, many of them are related to experiencing poor mental or physical conditions and not being able to take the necessary break. Because money, because bills, because doctors appointments, because medication and food to pay for.
As a chronically ill person who experiences
symptoms very often, I don't usually turn
down jobs because of them.
I'm neurodivergent and that's part of why I became a dominatrix, it better accommodates my needs. I also enjoy BDSM a lot. It's somewhat of a special interest for me and I also like playing with the sensory parts of it. While I do enjoy many aspects of my job, grieving on top of it can be tough. It can worsen my executive dysfunction, memory issues, time perception and management. and my social skills. So when all of this happened I found myself struggling to respond to clients asking for session info, having to think harder to recall details or just feeling too sad for it. As I said, I still did some virtual services that I enjoyed but it was a lot harder than usual. This got me thinking, even though I'm picky about my subs, when I do find a good one, I can't just turn down sessions whenever I feel bad physically or mentally because that happens a lot. I can enter a state in which I leave out these things while I'm doing a session, so I can better focus and connect, but it can be harder sometimes than others. I can only really enter that state when the session begins, so getting to the space or preparing for it can truly be the hardest part.
The system we live in is ableist and nominally meritocratic – capitalism makes us believe that we only deserve to rest after working our backs off, that we only deserve food and housing when we “contribute to society,” but many of us are just trying to survive. Trying to fight little battles everyday, wishing they’d become bigger and disruptive so we can someday do more than just survive, so we can rest without fear of the consequences.
Wishing to have paid days off as sex workers is just the tip of the iceberg. Of course we have more difficulties, like stability of income and safety. But I think this is such a deep rooted issue within this system, most people who don't belong to the upper classes are constantly battling poverty and burnout. For me, as a disabled trans sex worker, this looks like having to wait till I have enough money saved up to attend one-by-one issues that could/should be considered urgent. I got some labs back recently that indicate that I probably have an autoimmune disease. It'll probably take many more months to confirm, take more labs, get treated, etc. This means that even if I'm grieving, even if my joints hurt, even if I feel fatigued and in pain — I can't stop working. I can't turn down jobs. I still have the privilege to be picky in terms of safety with clients, but that's it. I can't give myself the quote-unquote luxury of turning down sessions because I’m unwell.
The system we live in is ableist and nominally meritocratic – capitalism makes us believe that we only deserve to rest after working our backs off...
There are a lot of sex workers who can't even take their safety into account when working, because a day without working is a day without food. And every time I hear that one of those colleagues has died, I feel so much rage and pain. That we as sex workers and queer people most often die at the hands of systems. Of fascism, of stigma, of hate, of eugenics, of transphobia, of poverty, of capitalism. Seeing people around you die because of these things hurts. A lot. Because you know they were fighting similar battles, and you see yourself and your loved ones in them. You feel their pain as your own and can't help but understand. How many of us would live a little longer if we could afford to rest? How many of us would live a little longer if we could afford to rest?
Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!
We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨
