When I first started sex work, I identified as a woman. I was mostly high/hard femme presenting in both my day-to-day life and my work persona, Azalea Trix. Gender incongruity wasn’t really something I dealt with – rather, the area I struggled most with was trying to balance the line of embracing my Blackness, while not adhering to fetishistic tropes. I felt like I finally got it down when I created the persona of Mother Azalea. She was the perfect combination of intimidatingly fierce and softly nurturing – a strong amalgamation of my draw towards taboo role play, hard kinks, and straight-up perversion. I had a few incredible sessions under this persona before I got hit by a freight train of internal upheaval. Was I actually a woman? What did that even mean? I was in a class on gender and sexuality when I found myself questioning my identity in a way I hadn’t in years. This had come up before, but I had dismissed it because I still loved to “femme it up.” But the more I examined what “evidence" I had that I was a woman, the less it felt right – cue internal panic!
Fast forward a few years and I’ve got a new name, pronouns, and body and it’s still… kinda confusing. At this point the identity of “woman” feels clearly wrong, but I’m not a man either. I float somewhere in the gender expansive aether, and while that feels like the right place for me, it can be a little challenging to translate that into a clear “brand” for clients.
I float somewhere in the gender expansive aether...
To put this into context, I’m a short, small fat, tan-skinned human. I usually keep my hair short, don’t shave my body, rock a mustache and the whisper of chin growth. I have several tattoos and three prominent nose piercings. I usually wear long and colorful acrylic nails, earrings, and femme-coded clothing, including lingerie despite my now flat chest. I have a cute T-dick and eager holes, and I’m vers AF.
Remaining true to my gender in sex work is more than just appearance. It is how I show up to sessions. Whether I am tapped more into my feminine or masculine side impacts my mood, energy, and arousal. When I’m tapped into my femininity, I feel naturally aligned with Dominance. I feel confident, in charge, and a bit feral with power. I’m turned on by taking control and am a force in the bedroom. When I’m in “boy-mode,” I’m eager to be of service, a hole for use, a drooling mess of fun for either a superior Femme or classic Daddy-type. I’m not quite submissive, more like a greedy power bottom. While radically different vibes, both are me, so I need there to be space for both in my work. Unfortunately, these two sides of me seem to be at odds with market expectations. It’s as though switches don’t exist in the professional world (we do, but clients don’t want to believe it for some reason!) I’m still figuring out how to make space for both sides.
I got my start in Domination, so a lot of my most successful experiences with branding are when I present myself in that light. However, because my Dominant persona is aligned with my femininity, it doesn’t feel authentic to me to only present that side. I often feel like I can’t reach the right balance of masculinity and femininity without alienating one of my audiences. The typical client who books me is a man who maybe identifies as straight or maybe feels ambivalent about the label, but doesn’t date other men – these guys seem to want me as femme as possible. In order to access queer clients however, I feel as though I need to present more masculine. Neither is exactly right. I am both, and neither, and fluid in my presentation. Authentic gender representation for me could mean heels and hoops one day and baggy jeans and sneakers the next.
Authentic gender representation for me could mean heels and hoops one day and baggy jeans and sneakers the next.
This fluidity is hard to capture in 2-D advertisements, but I like to think that the vast range of my porn work represents this better. I feel most affirmed when booked by queer clients, but in my experience, it’s a population that is less inclined to book. Whether that’s because of social narratives about who books sex workers, a lack of resources, or fear of the process, I hope to see more queer clients booking us in the future. I offer sliding scale sessions for queer folks to make services more accessible to those who might not usually be able to book, and when I have had folks take me up on this offer, I often feel the most free to be myself in sessions.
I want to acknowledge that staying true to your gender can be challenging in sex work, and also maybe not even something you want to do. I chose to be outwardly true to my gender, but I know folks whose sex work persona is a different gender than they are, and that works for them (see Cis for Pay by Salem Serene for a great piece on this!) When I first started my transition, I did so socially in my personal life for about a year before I even considered transitioning my work persona. As I found myself feeling more and more affirmed in my identity among my loved ones, I found it harder to be Azalea. Even as I tried to transition her to be more gender expansive, that didn’t feel right either. I had always been in the “alternative” market, but the more I experimented with a tomboyish or masculine presentation, the more I struggled to get clients. When I presented in my usual high/hard femme appearance, but advertised with gender neutral pronouns (and sometimes my alt name Prince Poison), I got the most interest.
It seemed as though clients loved the idea of someone who identified as non-binary, as long as I still looked like most women. This remained the case while I was on testosterone and began growing facial hair, but then there was a sharp cut-off of interest in my services once I obtained top surgery. Since then, my clients have been mostly limited to regulars who began seeing me before the transition. These loyal folks will always have my heart for the way they see me as a person beyond my gender presentation, while also celebrating my journey of self discovery.
I want to acknowledge that staying true to your gender can be challenging in sex work, and also maybe not even something you want to do.
At times I find myself regretting my decision to transition medically, as it has had a real negative impact on the amount of work I have gotten. But, at the same time, I have found when I do have sessions now as Oran Julius, both my clients and I have a better time because I feel the freedom to connect more with my authentic sexuality. Clients who crave authenticity will find it with me IF they don’t try to put me in a gendered box.
I remain grateful to live in a city where I have the freedom to choose how I want to present with relative safety. This is becoming increasingly important in a world that is radicalizing further and further right, with trans people in the middle of the battleground. Despite the hateful rhetoric out there against trans people, there is a huge population of lovers who desire us as we are. I present in a fluidly chaotic way that is true to my gender first and foremost for myself, but I also do it for them. I believe in the sex industry as a radical medium for changing the way people see the world and other’s humanity. Showing clients that they can embrace their attraction to trans folks, alternative folks, fat folks, disabled folks, and people generally not held up as the Western beauty ideal is a part of social change. Sex is radical, sex work is radical, and for me, it all feels most radical when I present as the gender expansive being I am.
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