Why are you doing this to yourself? Why don’t you get a real job? Are you one of those crazy nymphos? What's the craziest thing you’ve ever done in a booking? What’s your real name? You’re so much better than this.
If I had a dollar each time I heard one of these questions or comments, I would have retired from sex work a millionaire. A client even had the nerve to ask me “What did daddy do to you?” I’ve seriously considered asking for a $50 ‘trauma dump tip’ - if you are that insensitive and ignorant to ask ANYONE a question like this, you better pay for it.
There is power in the word itself – sex worker. If someone wants to define themselves as a hooker or a prostitute – I'm proud of you and I will respect you in this. Once I came to accept that sex work was a normal part of my life and started unapologetically calling myself a sex worker, it was one of the most liberating times of my sex working career. Don't get me wrong, money can truly buy happiness, but being confident in myself and my work is priceless. After all, why wouldn't I promote a healthy relationship with work and private life? People get to talk about their jobs all the time and no one bats an eye. Why can't sex workers do the same? On principle, I shamelessly promote the work I do, both online and socially. Unfortunately, like most sex workers, I get asked the same questions and have the same comments made - we all know the ones. Most of these questions come from an ignorant point of view, and I can never turn down an opportunity to lay down the law, and I take unapologetic and self-indulgent pride in that.
Not everyone has allies, those on our side who lift us up, support us, and take us seriously as a person and a sex worker. Working at a brothel, I find that the attitude towards the kind of sex work you do is informed by what people associate with the labels you use: High class escort will earn you respect, cam girls will get admiration (especially since the pandemic), brothel and other parlor work will give you respect from the right people (few and far between), and street based sex workers unfortunately get the short end of the stick. However, no matter what kind of sex work you do, non-sex workers and clients will almost always put you inside a box full of their preconceived ideas why and how we are sex workers. They do not take us seriously.
No matter what kind of sex work you do, non-sex workers and clients will almost always put you inside a box full of their preconceived ideas why and how we are sex workers. They do not take us seriously.
Non-sex workers and clients normally see us as one dimensional - someone who they pay for sex. Through their lens we are often seen as damaged, vulnerable; someone who needs to be saved from the industry; immoral; lazy; have damaged new waves of feminism; have no ambitions in life; don't have a life/career outside of sex work; that no one will ever want to be in a healthy relationship with us; or (my personal favourite) are always down for kinky sex and are somewhat of a nymphomaniac. Even if some of these were true, why is there a problem with that? In every single job there are different reasons people pursue a role and it’s never black and white. No matter what our reasons for doing sex work, we should be taken seriously regardless, right? When people only see us through their own lens, our narrative is taken from us - we are demoralized and demonized to justify what we do. We are seen as one dimensional and it seems inconceivable and comedic that we would be anything other than kinky, damaged, with daddy issues. Clients often think that because they have paid for our services, they can take any trauma (real or perceived), reverse it back on us and sexualize it. It’s not unlike trauma porn, in that they use it to entertain themselves.
My context of experience is in regular conversations I have with clients and non-sexworkers. I have been fortunate enough to have gone to university and gotten my masters degree; I have a healthy and happy relationship with my partner who supports my sex work; have nearest and dearest friends who are my own personal cheerleaders; I have a ‘normal job’ during the week as a medical receptionist which I enjoy; and my reason to chose sex work as a part of my life is both financial and for personal enjoyment - at the end of the night it’s a job.
This is difficult to understand for clients and non-sex workers. They insist that there must be another reason, and will never pass up an opportunity to tell our own stories to suit their view of sex workers. They put us in a box filled with fantasy, ideas of degradation and desperation - a traumatized girl needing their help to escape the industry. For whatever reason, this box is used to justify not taking us seriously as either a worker or an individual. I, like many sex workers, have never fit inside this box, and I feel the urge in my heart and soul to speak my truth.
This is difficult to understand for clients and non-sex workers. They insist that there must be another reason, and will never pass up an opportunity to tell our own stories to suit their view of sex workers.
My first time confronting clients and non-sexworkers with the stone cold facts was a huge slap in the face, and it hit me hard. More pity was taken on me, more fictitious explanations were bestowed onto me, and I was put in even yet more boxes. After all, how could I accomplish all of this and still pursue sex work? Am I really that damaged that my accomplishments count for nothing? There must be another box I fit into to be taken seriously? I am surely too good to do this work.
No.
It should not be so hard to believe and accept that we do our work for different reasons, and they are all valid - and no one’s business. It’s no one's business but ours. We shouldn’t have to justify ourselves to fit into a box. I know some workers who chose their battles differently - they tell a story people want to hear so everyone will stop asking these questions on repeat.
Please don’t get me wrong, not everyone is like this. It can also be fun and games. I am guilty of making cheeky comments designed to guide people to reflect on what they’ve said and reverse their innuendos back to them. My go-to is “No, but why are YOU here? Is there something you’re not getting from anyone else?”, “Oh so you’d like to swap and share childhood memories? What did mummy do to you?”, or responding “What made you think that was a good idea to ask that question?”. Admittedly, this is maybe the wrong way to try and get anyone to take me seriously, but I find that my patience can only be stretched so thin, and I can’t turn down playing harmless games when put inside a box.
So, please ask us questions, satisfy your curiosity, expand your horizon - but be respectful. Asking questions helps us to promote the fact we do not fit into these little boxes, and that we are sex workers and everyday people. When our stories are told through our own words, from our own point of view, you will see the magical world of sex work and sex workers through a brighter lens. My hope is that when we speak we are heard, our words are not taken for granted, and that we will finally be taken seriously.
Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!
We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨
