Whenever I am asked what the weirdest thing that's ever happened at work is, I always get a little uncomfortable. Tulsi has articulated some of the reasons why here, and I’d like to add another layer. This question often expects me to disclose the private desires and fetishes of my clients, which they’ve entrusted me with. While my job involves providing a service, that service also comes with a critical responsibility: discretion.
As sex workers, we’re all too familiar with shame — the shame we might feel about our occupation and, more painfully, the shame society projects onto us, which we often internalise. When someone asks me about the quote-unquote weirdest thing I’ve done at work, what I hear is, "What’s something your clients should be ashamed of?"
Clients often hesitate to share their fantasies, fearing judgment. I always reassure them by saying, "There’s nothing you can tell me that I haven’t heard before." By this, I don’t mean that I know everything about all sexual practices, but that their confessions are indeed unlikely to shock me, even if they might shock others. And even if I am surprised — because after all, we are all humans and surprise is not a feeling I’m immune to — I understand the importance of receiving their secrets without judgment. Whether I choose to participate in their fantasies is another matter, one we can discuss as adults without alienating each other for our desires.
While my job involves providing a service, that service also comes with a critical responsibility: discretion.
What’s frustrating is that when people ask about the weirdest thing that’s happened to me at work they do not want an answer from my perspective, but from theirs! And this is where the crucial difference lies.
If this job has taught me one thing, it is that people have all sorts of desires and fantasies, and frankly, very little surprises me anymore. I may not be into every kink, but I’m no longer shocked by their existence or popularity. I often tell the following anecdote to my fellow sex workers because it perfectly illustrates how what is ordinary to us can provoke disapproval in others — ironically that same thing is what may get their dad, brother or husband off!
Once, I confided in a non-sex worker friend about a bad experience I’d had with a client. I usually keep work experiences to myself, fearing misunderstanding even from well-meaning friends. But that day, I decided to share. I’d just had a two-hour booking with a client who was a real boundary-pusher. It was a watersports session, and I’d spent the hour before the booking drinking a liter of water. Communication had been rocky, but I’d made my boundaries clear from the start, and the client seemed to accept them — until half an hour in, when he asked me to do exactly what I’d said I wouldn’t. I said no, but he insisted. Once. Twice. Three times, until I finally gave in, exhausted from resisting. I felt terrible afterward. The specific boundary he crossed isn’t the point; what matters is that I felt violated because someone pushed me into doing something I didn’t want to do.
That evening, I was supposed to have dinner with my friend, and although I planned to keep the experience to myself and perhaps, speak about it to my sex worker friends at some point, she noticed I wasn’t myself. So, I told her what happened. I prefaced it by saying I’d had a client who didn’t respect my boundaries, and I felt awful and angry with myself for giving in. My friend immediately reassured me, reminding me that guilt and shame are common responses to assault and that it was not my fault. I appreciated that. But when I mentioned the watersports, she interrupted, taking my hand and saying ‘oh my god, I am so sorry this happened to you. This is disgusting, I’m so sorry you had to go through this, it must have felt awful!’ I remember joking, “Well, I haven’t even gotten to the bad part yet,” and my friend awkwardly let me continue, pretending nothing had happened.
When people ask about the weirdest thing that’s happened to me at work they do not want an answer from my perspective, but from theirs!
But the judgment in her eyes lingered. That’s how shame is instilled in us. Yes, pissing on clients is sometimes part of my job, and to most sex workers, it’s nothing unusual. Some people do this for money, some pay for it, and some simply enjoy it. None of these scenarios are shocking to me.
When people ask about the weirdest or craziest thing that’s happened at work, they want to hear something shocking to them, not to me.
So, to everyone who’s ever asked me this question, guess what: the wildest thing about my job is that sometimes it’s boring, sometimes it’s fun and educational, sometimes it’s challenging and exhausting, and sometimes I even enjoy it. Shocking, isn’t it?
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